The thing I learned the night of the first OSCE exam (a clinical exam unlike all other written exams I've been through) in medical school was a very valuable lesson.
Things like Tawakkul become super clear in times of despair and complete helplessness and fear.
You see..when they taught us about Tawakkul, they never really focused on the fact that they consist of two things:
Your work,
and His.
And that these two are COMPLETELY separate things.
Here's what happened.
That night, I just couldn't anymore.
I absolutely couldn't push myself anymore.
I was done, beyond exhausted. Drained. Over. Toast. You name it.
As I tried to push myself for like 6 hours (you can imagine the desperation), the clock struck 11 pm and I haven't studied shit. I should say, I haven't reviewed shit.
But of course, I broke down.
I was trying to hunt motivation from my friends, from anything, but n o t h i n g was working.
I lay on the bed, on my side, feeling powerless, helpless, crying my heart out (dramatic a little, yeah. But hey a big deal of marks depended on this exam. My GPA is important, too)
I was scared.
Angry. Why could everyone do it but not me ? Everyone is just as exhausted.
I was disappointed.
And stressed.
My father, who's a doctor, called me.
He saw my red nose and puffy eyes.
I told him about my stress over my inability to study, and he told me to stop trying, that I've been studying for more than two weeks (I was actually studying medicine literally from the very first day, I've never stressed over any subject the way I stressed over medicine. I was insanely stressed at minute one LOL)
So he told me to stop, gather my things and put them aside, relax and do whatever I wanted to do.
I trusted what he said (baba is very hard working and he wouldn't ever tell us to do anything les than work as hard as we need to)
So I believed him. I didn't need to study tonight, in baba's opinion.
I went up to mum, and she told me to make my self some juice, watch a movie, and sleep.
I was like okayH (hahahaha, no?)
But that's exactly what I did.
I watched a movie and it was real good. I did manage to relax.
The hard part though, was when I was trying to sleep.
Of course I had turned off my cell phone because I wouldn't handle the stress of remembering how everyone else is actively involved in reviewing for the exam.
But still, the stressing thoughts were haunting me.
"I haven't studied this, I haven't studied that, what if they ask about this, what if they ask about that"
I remembered something I had read the day before that had really rung a bell.
I read how when you're reminding someone of the right, cautioning them of their wrong (نصيحة), then un-patiently waiting for them to change and see the effect of your reminder.
The thing is,
You do what you do.
And He will do what He wants.
You don't do what you need to do because you're expecting the result, no.
You do what you need to do to SHOW Him that you've done it, then the result is up to Him.
بحكمته يقدر اش يسير
So it really stuck with me.
When we study for an exam, we do it to seek the result, the good mark.
But actually that's not how it's supposed to be.
When we study for an exam احنا بنفعل الاسباب
احنا بنوري الله اننا بنسوي اللي لازم نسويه, بنية ابتغاء مرضاته في النتيجة اللي نبغاها
و خلاص
الجزء التاني من المعادلة منفصل تماما عن الجزء الاول
الجزء التاني ما يعتمد على الاول
The realization that the two are separate things was enormously comforting. So that is honestly what enabled me to sleep that night, that I truly showed him how I tried my very very best, and that inshaAlla my niyya is well and that I want to be a good doctor, and knowing that it's all in His hands.
Things like Tawakkul become super clear in times of despair and complete helplessness and fear.
You see..when they taught us about Tawakkul, they never really focused on the fact that they consist of two things:
Your work,
and His.
And that these two are COMPLETELY separate things.
Here's what happened.
That night, I just couldn't anymore.
I absolutely couldn't push myself anymore.
I was done, beyond exhausted. Drained. Over. Toast. You name it.
As I tried to push myself for like 6 hours (you can imagine the desperation), the clock struck 11 pm and I haven't studied shit. I should say, I haven't reviewed shit.
But of course, I broke down.
I was trying to hunt motivation from my friends, from anything, but n o t h i n g was working.
I lay on the bed, on my side, feeling powerless, helpless, crying my heart out (dramatic a little, yeah. But hey a big deal of marks depended on this exam. My GPA is important, too)
I was scared.
Angry. Why could everyone do it but not me ? Everyone is just as exhausted.
I was disappointed.
And stressed.
My father, who's a doctor, called me.
He saw my red nose and puffy eyes.
I told him about my stress over my inability to study, and he told me to stop trying, that I've been studying for more than two weeks (I was actually studying medicine literally from the very first day, I've never stressed over any subject the way I stressed over medicine. I was insanely stressed at minute one LOL)
So he told me to stop, gather my things and put them aside, relax and do whatever I wanted to do.
I trusted what he said (baba is very hard working and he wouldn't ever tell us to do anything les than work as hard as we need to)
So I believed him. I didn't need to study tonight, in baba's opinion.
I went up to mum, and she told me to make my self some juice, watch a movie, and sleep.
I was like okayH (hahahaha, no?)
But that's exactly what I did.
I watched a movie and it was real good. I did manage to relax.
The hard part though, was when I was trying to sleep.
Of course I had turned off my cell phone because I wouldn't handle the stress of remembering how everyone else is actively involved in reviewing for the exam.
But still, the stressing thoughts were haunting me.
"I haven't studied this, I haven't studied that, what if they ask about this, what if they ask about that"
I remembered something I had read the day before that had really rung a bell.
I read how when you're reminding someone of the right, cautioning them of their wrong (نصيحة), then un-patiently waiting for them to change and see the effect of your reminder.
The thing is,
You do what you do.
And He will do what He wants.
You don't do what you need to do because you're expecting the result, no.
You do what you need to do to SHOW Him that you've done it, then the result is up to Him.
بحكمته يقدر اش يسير
So it really stuck with me.
When we study for an exam, we do it to seek the result, the good mark.
But actually that's not how it's supposed to be.
When we study for an exam احنا بنفعل الاسباب
احنا بنوري الله اننا بنسوي اللي لازم نسويه, بنية ابتغاء مرضاته في النتيجة اللي نبغاها
و خلاص
الجزء التاني من المعادلة منفصل تماما عن الجزء الاول
الجزء التاني ما يعتمد على الاول
The realization that the two are separate things was enormously comforting. So that is honestly what enabled me to sleep that night, that I truly showed him how I tried my very very best, and that inshaAlla my niyya is well and that I want to be a good doctor, and knowing that it's all in His hands.
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