I Shall Make Us Work

Late at night, it's 2 am, I gotta wake up early. 
My heart's been on silent all day. 
Parched, hungry. 
I read poetry, and the moving of my heart brings me tears. 
I feel despair.
Am I destined to shut off my heart to be able to live in this world?
But I hold on to a belief. 
God did not create me with a heart like mine so that I would shut it off.
I was made different. Then I must have been created for a different cause. 
So I hold on to the belief. I shall make us work. 
Us; me, my heart, and the world. 

اللي ما عرفناه عن التوكل.

The thing I learned the night of the first OSCE exam (a clinical exam unlike all other written exams I've been through) in medical school was a very valuable lesson.
Things like Tawakkul become super clear in times of despair and complete helplessness and fear.

You see..when they taught us about Tawakkul, they never really focused on the fact that they consist of two things:
Your work,
and His.
And that these two are COMPLETELY separate things.
Here's what happened.
That night, I just couldn't anymore.
I absolutely couldn't push myself anymore.
I was done, beyond exhausted. Drained. Over. Toast. You name it.
As I tried to push myself for like 6 hours (you can imagine the desperation), the clock struck 11 pm and I haven't studied shit. I should say, I haven't reviewed shit.
But of course, I broke down.
I was trying to hunt motivation from my friends, from anything, but  n o t h i n g was working.
I lay on the bed, on my side, feeling powerless, helpless, crying my heart out (dramatic a little, yeah. But hey a big deal of marks depended on this exam. My GPA is important, too)
I was scared.
Angry. Why could everyone do it but not me ? Everyone is just as exhausted.
I was disappointed.
And stressed.
My father, who's a doctor, called me.
He saw my red nose and puffy eyes.
I told him about my stress over my inability to study, and he told me to stop trying, that I've been studying for more than two weeks (I was actually studying medicine literally from the very first day, I've never stressed over any subject the way I stressed over medicine. I was insanely stressed at minute one LOL)
So he told me to stop, gather my things and put them aside, relax and do whatever I wanted to do.
I trusted what he said (baba is very hard working and he wouldn't ever tell us to do anything les than work as hard as we need to)
So I believed him. I didn't need to study tonight, in baba's opinion.
I went up to mum, and she told me to make my self some juice, watch a movie, and sleep.
I was like okayH (hahahaha, no?)
But that's exactly what I did.
I watched a movie and it was real good. I did manage to relax.
The hard part though, was when I was trying to sleep.
Of course I had turned off my cell phone because I wouldn't handle the stress of remembering how everyone else is actively involved in reviewing for the exam.
But still, the stressing thoughts were haunting me.
"I haven't studied this, I haven't studied that, what if they ask about this, what if they ask about that"

I remembered something I had read the day before that had really rung a bell.
I read how when you're reminding someone of the right, cautioning them of their wrong (نصيحة), then un-patiently waiting for them to change and see the effect of your reminder.
The thing is,
You do what you do.
And He will do what He wants.
You don't do what you need to do because you're expecting the result, no.
You do what you need to do to SHOW Him that you've done it, then the result is up to Him.
بحكمته يقدر اش يسير
So it really stuck with me.
When we study for an exam, we do it to seek the result, the good mark.
But actually that's not how it's supposed to be.
When we study for an exam احنا بنفعل الاسباب
احنا بنوري الله اننا بنسوي اللي لازم نسويه, بنية ابتغاء مرضاته في النتيجة اللي نبغاها
و خلاص
الجزء التاني من المعادلة منفصل تماما عن الجزء الاول
الجزء التاني ما يعتمد على الاول
The realization that the two are separate things was enormously comforting. So that is honestly what enabled me to sleep that night, that I truly showed him how I tried my very very best, and that inshaAlla my niyya is well and that I want to be a good doctor, and knowing that it's all in His hands.

My Imaginary Book Tour Speech

As written for the Write Yourself Alive online course:

"Welcome everybody. Thank you all for coming. And thank you so much for reading the little thing I had to share with the world. I've never actually imagined I'd one day have the chance to actually do this. But here I am.
I used to disbelieve the power of words at one time, thinking it can only serve as a pastime, a gateway, a relief, or an entertainment. But no. I do believe the strongest things in this world aren't tangible, the strongest things in this world are thoughts. And I do see from my own experience and so many others' how books, even stories, have the potential to touch thoughts, to touch hearts. To reshape, add, mold, whatever it can do. If they're powerful enough.
I do hope you have sensed truth and authenticity in my words, I hope it has reached your hearts before it did your minds, because what comes from the heart reaches the heart.
As for the inspiration, process, and reason.
First, I would like to mention that some point, again, I did not believe what I have to offer can have any effect or benefit. Who am I anyway, right?
But then, I realized how..it's not just from that side. It's something to do with my side, too.
Because I have a gift, and I thank Allah for blessing me with the magical ability to use words, to build worlds and kill others with them, so easily. And I think we're all responsible about serving the world, and pleasing our lord with everything He has bestowed upon us. And so He has given me a gift to use it to try and help spread good. And that's the only reason that rung true to me. Because I didn't believe I was special. I don't really think that word has an absolute meaning anyway. Specialty is a relative thing, really. So that was my reason.
As for my inspiration, it was actually an online course lead by Tyler Knott and Andrea Balt.
Before joining that course, I treated my writing ability as a gift, yes, but only limited it in my head to using it as a hobby, and that there's no more I could get out of it.
Yet, after 30 days (I finished it in 60 actually) I started to see differently.
I was literally intimidated by how so much potential I beheld. For weeks, I was perplexed by this vague, yet powerful sense of discovery, of a dream being born, yet I didn't recognize it at first.
I was terrified of the fact that I had what it takes to truly be a writer, terrified.
At first I was confused. I didn't know why I was so scared. But as the days passed, and the end of the course got closer, and I was comforted by the reminder that I was going back to the old habits, the old lifestyle..I saw it.
Because for 60 days, I would wake up and the first and foremost important thing to do was to create. To excavate my superpowers. To write. And oh did I write. I was astonished when, a few days after I had written something and went back to reread it, I would see how amazing it actually was.
Suddenly, huge potentials were digged out of me, put in front of my eyes to see, and to touch with my own hands.
I saw it. I touched it. It was there. Real and true.
Yet, at that point in my life, I was so close to graduating from medical school. I believe I need to say no more.
Yet here I am, years later, when I graduated I decided to follow my dream, to formulate my message to the world, and to work so hard on balancing lives: my life as a doctor, my life as a wife and mother, and my life as a writer.
The world is changed by those who are crazy enough to believe in their dreams. I don't know if I'm crazy enough, but I sure as hell am telling you all to be that. That crazy, delusional person who wants to follow their hearts.
Nothing's impossible.
It was hard as hell, yes. At first, I suffered. mostly emotionally, because I was blaming this dream for haunting me and ruining my life? But then I decided that I would stick to it. It is my dream. And I'm going to protect it. And I'm going to work my ass off to do it. Allah's strength is what makes you merely breathe, and do every other thing in your busy, efficient life. point is, Allah's strength just as it did feed you, helped you breathe, walk, live day by day, pass through hell alive, it can sustain you to live your dream.
I have never met a doctor who is also a writer. Maybe I'm the first.
As for the process. I first dropped the idea completely, when I was done with the course, I was like, yes I have a talent, yes I have a dream , but I'm going to just give it enough air to keep it alive but not to let grow so much it overpowers and takes over everything else. I started planning my feeding sessions of that dream. Weekly, monthly writings. My casual blog for my thoughts that I'd like to share. That was the weekly part. As for the formal, more formulated, planned pieces and artistic poetic writing, that was the monthly part.
And it was not, NOT, easy. Nothing is, is there?
BUT, I decided to see it differently.
To see it as a source of life.
A piece of me.
Without it, I'm weaker, more faded, less oriented, less energetic, less hopeful, and less dreaming. With writing, I indulge in the daily little things that others don't even notice. My heart, my eyes, my ears, my mind they're all allies, ready and set to catch whatever it can to be the inspiration for the next thing I'll write about.
Writing is essential. Writing is lively. Writing is visionary.
Yes, I did postpone the CREATIVE kind of writing for later when I did finish the hectic frekkin years of my life, but I never stopped, never starved, never let the writer in me fade.
Writing isn't just to produce beautiful words, no. But far more necessary than that.
As I walk through my boring, hard days, the words I would later write seemed to create a sanctuary because it was a different world there on the paper. It was like..I had it written down, I made it beautiful, I made it last, I made it useful, I switched its sides, I contemplated it.
It gives my mind the ability to see things differently, to train myself into seeing the beauty in the gutter..because a heart breaking poem about suicide is beautiful, isn't that correct ?
Finally, I hope you one day realize what I had realized the day my dream was born. Once it's there, once you feel it growing and powerful and strong inside of you, I hope you realize it means it's a part of you, and you cannot deny its existence.
Thank you."