Written in 2016
I have a story.
I believe I'm not the only one.
I believe we might be all going/gone through this, we might not even realize it.
I've been through a crisis lately.
An emotional crisis, you could say.
You know, before this, when I would hear about people "losing themselves", it sounds nonsense.
But now I know what this means.
I know how it feels.
I swear...it's the worst non-feeling there is to not-feel.
Because I felt nothing
It started with the feeling of wanting to kill parts of me because it felt like they were inadequate.
I did that. I started doing that some long time ago without even knowing.
But lately, it got worse.
The busier I got, the more of me I felt I had to kill.
I wasn't practical I guess.
Cause you know..
It's not practical to be emotional.
It's not practical to feel...feel anything.
It's not practical to stop and respect your pains.
It's not practical to stop and praise your progresses.
It's not practical to stop and reflect your growth.
It's not.
So I thought let's just hide all that till I go home.
Being a medical student this meant...never lol.
So I literally reached a point where I felt...estranged. Where did Yasmine go ?
I was fine...by the known sense of the word. But I wasn't fine at all.
I was nothing.
I wasn't me.
I didn't know what the hell I was anymore.
It took me so much time I swear, to feel like myself again. Just to feel familiar with my mind.
And then I started to question.
The first question I got was omg I can't do this I cant afford the time to go so deep and dive into the abyss of me to bring me back to life ? It felt that way. Like losing myself and retrieving it would occur to often.
Don't people normally go back to chill after a long day and that's what is needed ? but for me it took TOO LONG to feel like at home again.
I asked myself why.
Then a friend helped me. She told me that it's because of how you distance yourself too much, it becomes too far away to reach back to again.
And that was a mind blowing moment.
It made perfect sense.
I knew I couldn't keep doing this to myself.
It's not that I don't want to, I can't.
It was literally costing me my time, and my health. Because I am not kidding when I tell you that it made me sick.
So yeah. I made the decision.
There's nothing to hide.
And why should I hide
No body's worth preening up falsely to.
And it's not a sane thing to do to choose the parts of you that are "suitable" to be shown.
And now..a month or so afterwards, I swear to God it makes me so sad to feel like I'm digging her up from somewhere so old and deep.
When did I kill you, you poor thing ?
And what did you do to deserve to be killed, by me.
But ohmygod don't I feel the rush.
I swear to god it feels like running free.
Like running free.
I 'm rediscovering everything about her again, about me, but I like to call her her because I swear I don't even seem to know her.
Shes surprising me.
I am only now coming to knowing myself after all this time thinking that I do already.
But the rush!
Ugh I wish I can describe it better.
I'm discovering that she's loud.
So loud.
And sassy.
And she has such a unique humor.
I love it.
It's sad..to come to know only now that I love her..I love me.
I've disconnected her so badly that she's a different identity from me.
I'm seeing how silly and cheeky and childish and radiant and upbeat and excited for life she is.
I'm sure I killed her before she got the chance to face life with me.
I've been going without her, a shell.
And I do recall very well; the time in my life when I started learning to create this shell.
And by time that shell has grown thickness, grown so much, I thought it was me for real.
She was put to sleep before she got the chance to mature, and now I see how young she is, too young.
God..it feels like a new beginning.
I have a story.
I believe I'm not the only one.
I believe we might be all going/gone through this, we might not even realize it.
I've been through a crisis lately.
An emotional crisis, you could say.
You know, before this, when I would hear about people "losing themselves", it sounds nonsense.
But now I know what this means.
I know how it feels.
I swear...it's the worst non-feeling there is to not-feel.
Because I felt nothing
It started with the feeling of wanting to kill parts of me because it felt like they were inadequate.
I did that. I started doing that some long time ago without even knowing.
But lately, it got worse.
The busier I got, the more of me I felt I had to kill.
I wasn't practical I guess.
Cause you know..
It's not practical to be emotional.
It's not practical to feel...feel anything.
It's not practical to stop and respect your pains.
It's not practical to stop and praise your progresses.
It's not practical to stop and reflect your growth.
It's not.
So I thought let's just hide all that till I go home.
Being a medical student this meant...never lol.
So I literally reached a point where I felt...estranged. Where did Yasmine go ?
I was fine...by the known sense of the word. But I wasn't fine at all.
I was nothing.
I wasn't me.
I didn't know what the hell I was anymore.
It took me so much time I swear, to feel like myself again. Just to feel familiar with my mind.
And then I started to question.
The first question I got was omg I can't do this I cant afford the time to go so deep and dive into the abyss of me to bring me back to life ? It felt that way. Like losing myself and retrieving it would occur to often.
Don't people normally go back to chill after a long day and that's what is needed ? but for me it took TOO LONG to feel like at home again.
I asked myself why.
Then a friend helped me. She told me that it's because of how you distance yourself too much, it becomes too far away to reach back to again.
And that was a mind blowing moment.
It made perfect sense.
I knew I couldn't keep doing this to myself.
It's not that I don't want to, I can't.
It was literally costing me my time, and my health. Because I am not kidding when I tell you that it made me sick.
So yeah. I made the decision.
There's nothing to hide.
And why should I hide
No body's worth preening up falsely to.
And it's not a sane thing to do to choose the parts of you that are "suitable" to be shown.
And now..a month or so afterwards, I swear to God it makes me so sad to feel like I'm digging her up from somewhere so old and deep.
When did I kill you, you poor thing ?
And what did you do to deserve to be killed, by me.
But ohmygod don't I feel the rush.
I swear to god it feels like running free.
Like running free.
I 'm rediscovering everything about her again, about me, but I like to call her her because I swear I don't even seem to know her.
Shes surprising me.
I am only now coming to knowing myself after all this time thinking that I do already.
But the rush!
Ugh I wish I can describe it better.
I'm discovering that she's loud.
So loud.
And sassy.
And she has such a unique humor.
I love it.
It's sad..to come to know only now that I love her..I love me.
I've disconnected her so badly that she's a different identity from me.
I'm seeing how silly and cheeky and childish and radiant and upbeat and excited for life she is.
I'm sure I killed her before she got the chance to face life with me.
I've been going without her, a shell.
And I do recall very well; the time in my life when I started learning to create this shell.
And by time that shell has grown thickness, grown so much, I thought it was me for real.
She was put to sleep before she got the chance to mature, and now I see how young she is, too young.
God..it feels like a new beginning.
