City.

The heart is an untrustable thing.

القلب من التقلب 

It has the astounding ability of turning into something so alien of what it used to be, in a very little amount of time.
It could switch from holy and sacred to sinful and shameless in a night's time.

When I decided to shut my heart up on itself (for a while), it was because it had started to be as noisy,
and as crowded,
and as dirty,
as a city at night.
I strolled within its streets and I didn't like what I saw.
It was alive, yes, but not because it really knew why,
not because it really wanted to.
It was alive like a drunken city before dawn.
Loud, but on the brink of falling.
Thrilled, but only to live the moment.
Cheering on top of its lungs, only because it really doesn't want the night to end,
really wants to be as wasted as it can get.

When I decided to shut up my heart's doors,
I realized I had been longing for belonging for some time, I had lost sight, I had lost lead.
My chest has become filled with all the wrong things, it had become tightened up, it was hard for me to breathe.
I walked to find a home but it had been filled beyond that, occupied to its every corner.
When I found myself a stranger in my own heart, I realized something must be wrong.
I found myself weary, always weary.
I found no light within.
I searched for God but crowded hearts are not worthy of holy presence.
I tried to pray but my heart waned and failed to pray with me. I sat there on my mat looking at it; balled up and sleeping, snoring and drooling, like a child after a party.

The heart is a scary thing, if you turn your gaze away from it for just a little while, and come back to it, you could find what used to be a pious being has turned into a clown.
When I did shut my heart up, and all was empty, and all was quiet..I realized how long it has been since I was able to be alone with this heart that is so drunk off this dunya, how much it needs to be slapped to sobriety. Where are you going ? What do you think you'll get out of this ?
The verse

(فأصبح يقلب كفيه على ما أنفق فيها و هي خاوية على عروشها) 

snaps it back, and I know the verse was about a story but the words really sum up what you'll be left with if you only pursue dunya, it really portrays the end result. خاوية.
I close up my doors at night, the city sounds diminish with the gentle thud of the doors. I isolate myself from everything that is human, even myself. And at that moment, the setting apart of body and soul in my head, or rather of soul and drunken heart, is so clear, I can visualize it.
Sometimes I find myself giving it excuses like, it's still young, let it live! Or, give it a break, so what. Why do you have to give it such a hard time, now? 
But the world we live in today has become so scary, so Godless, so filthy, that if you don't hold on to your truths with claws and teeth, if you don't keep your light alive, if you don't keep your heart clean, teach it to play without being played, to party but still have God forever and always within, superior to all else, the world will swamp you with its pretty games, and drift you into oblivion.

Growing Wings

When the tears come, they come gushing. I lay there thinking of the good in my life, thinking of those who love me, and I let the thoughts hold me. And I cry. I feel sorry for myself, I can’t help it. I think of myself; an adult, held down by a broken child inside. When the anger comes, it comes big, flaming, and it burns my insides. If I would, I could burn this whole place down with the fire in my chest. My subconsciousness is probably the reason behind my inability to sleep. I can only imagine the clogged crevices, the jumbled memories and unresolved situations all cramped up in there. I hold my beat up face, my swollen eyes with dark circles to the world;..look..this is what you're doing to me. Not that they take much notice. But hey, feel free, stare away at my miserable features. We’re raised and we live in an emotionally crippled country, where people are perplexed by the mere fact that you have an emotional response. They're so perplexed that you're not a robot. I mean..how inconvenient! I sit there mulling over this non sense, thinking, if I weren't to take hold of my own emotional (and future mental) health, if I were to wait for recognition of the pain that's killing me, if I were to keep wrecking my nerves over their belittling of my anger, I would lose myself. All they ever did my heart was injustice. They dismissed its existence, its intensity, its swollen nature, stepping all over it saying, there..now it should stay like that..flat and neat at all edges, nothing problematic. But it only swelled more. It swelled so big it took over my body, taking over my ability to function in the world. And I spent years mending it, trying to heal the damage, trying to find it beneath all these scars, I had forgotten what it looked like. Some days would come when all I do is cry. Days when my heart would be taken over by the old, stagnant murky swamp, and I’d be pulled under, and I'd be always, always struggling to keep my head above the water. I'd be always trying to step out of the dark corners in my head, peeping out to get some sunlight, before my fears drag me in the dark again. But my eyes shall always be cast up to the skies of my life. I'm creating a ladder to the clouds, steps up to a h(e)aven, and growing wings along the way. I'm not gonna sit there watching them as they break me without even realizing their ignorance is ruining lives. No. I won't allow it.