Guilt and gratitude,
Darkness and light;
Guilt is not a pleasant feeling, obviously.
It can drive you nuts. It can.
Guilt can drive you into addictions, escapism, self-hatred, or off a cliff.
We're such weak beings, aren't we..it can be disgusting sometimes, honestly.
How can we face that guilt..if we can't even bare to feel it.
And how can we live life not carrying loads of past experiences that we aren't really proud of, to say the least, if we can't face it and deal with it, and move on?
The thing about guilt, is that it is very much related to gratitude.
The more gratitude we have, the more guilt there is tagging along to it.
This applies to an array of relationships, including that with God, which is the one I'll be talking about its guilt.
You noticed I mentioned the word relationship and God in the same sentence, and I'll explain this.
I can't really remember the day I realized that there could actually be such a thing as a "relationship" with God. Or the day I actually started feeling such a thing forming.
I don't remember when I started seeing that it's not just about sins and good deeds.
There was a feeling that started forming. A feeling of.. I know Him, I think I love Him. He has done so much good to me, He takes so much care of me, and He's so generous, and never closes His doors, even in the faces of the most sinful people on earth.
And maybe just just maybe, I think He loves me, too.
There was this higher sense of emotion that no one taught us about. All they did was scare us from Hell and teach us that Jannah is the goal.
I don't know about you but that is such a dry way to live life, without love, I think. Too dry.
With this higher sense, I felt a relationship starting to develop. And that's where the gratitude and guilt I'm talking about started to take place.
"Why can't I just be an angel ? Why did I have to be human?"
"I'm awful, why should He ever love me.."
"I'm too embarrassed, I promised I'd never do it again."
"I'm such a hypocrite, I do good deeds and feel like I could stand a chance when in fact I'm so horrible."
"Wouldn't it be easier and less aching to be flawless and sinless?"
I used to get these thoughts a LOT. And they were drilling through my brain and my heart, and they were painful. Because it feels like letting Him down. Letting someone you feel immensely grateful for, down.
I hated myself for being human.
But, then I remind myself that,
(إن الله يحب التوابين)
و ما نقدر نكون توابين لو ما كنا خطائين.
On day 12 of the online writing course, they asked
How do you deal with the negative darker aspects of you?
And here's what I had to say on the matter,
The aspect of darkness has very much changed in my perspective ever since I started viewing my relationship with God differently.
And the relationship between myself and I also radically changed.
And the relationship between myself and the world didn't stay the same, either.
I remember the itchiness I used to feel, the darkness, the bitterness, the hopelessness, the fear and the guilt.
I recall the feeling of being stuck within my darkest corners, not being able to crawl out.
I remember feeling like I'm never gonna be worthy of His love.
I remember feeling helpless.
Stuck.
Afraid.
I remember.
What I want to describe to you, is the change I mentioned.
The change is that the burden of having two sides in you, trying to conquer each other, that burden is gone.
You see, it's not the good side of me trying to take over the bad side anymore. It's not as despairing and gloomy and doomed as that anymore. Because, really. Who has that much will, and who isn't terrified by their darker sides?
Instead, there started to be a higher, much more powerful governing command, a loving command, a merciful, patient command.
There started to be more transparency.
You're exposed, really. There's nothing you can hide. And yet, that gives you the salvation that your heart dreams of.
No longer human against human. Or rather, there is that...but the good in you has allies now, as you can say.
He is your ally.
If you admit to Him, and ask for His higher power, if you give Him your true honest promise, that you truly want to change, and put your trust and belief in Him; your whole heart's trust (not a suspecting, trial kind of trust), He, the Trusee, has promised to be by your side in every second of it.
I stopped feeling so secretive and ashamed of my chamber of secrets, the dark side of me doesn't scare me or appall me anymore, and I no longer feel stuck and hopeless in my shadows. I'm not afraid of you knowing of my sins, because I'm exposed to Him, and it's Him I fear, not you. (Not that I do want people to know, though. الستر محمود برضو)
He has shown and taught that there WILL be darkness within us, and that there WILL be darkness in the world around us, too.
So it doesn't feel personal anymore, it feels more natural and shared. Because it's not just within me, it's within everyone else, and it's part of God's creation, the Most Wise, the Most Merciful.
So this helps accept the darkness in other people, too, never judge them by it, because the darkness is there and present in all of us, just in different forms. And people can change, and what you judge people with, can someday be within you, too.
This does not mean that we accept it as it is and give up on ourselves, no.
That's where Tawba comes in.
No matter what you do, no matter how many times you fail to change,
لا يمل الله حتى تملوا
He will accept you and love you once you repent and seek His forgiveness, and that's where space for self-forgiveness, self-love, and peace is found.
Hope is a powerful thing. And once you see Tawba as a source of hope, as an endlessly open door, as an unconditional source of acceptance and love and a chance to love back, life will change.
Because He can bring all your baggage, the hidden stuff that anchor your heart, to the surface. He can salvage your heart and make it light, light enough to float above all the ugliness of us and the world, light enough to breathe.
Darkness and light;
Guilt is not a pleasant feeling, obviously.
It can drive you nuts. It can.
Guilt can drive you into addictions, escapism, self-hatred, or off a cliff.
We're such weak beings, aren't we..it can be disgusting sometimes, honestly.
How can we face that guilt..if we can't even bare to feel it.
And how can we live life not carrying loads of past experiences that we aren't really proud of, to say the least, if we can't face it and deal with it, and move on?
The thing about guilt, is that it is very much related to gratitude.
The more gratitude we have, the more guilt there is tagging along to it.
This applies to an array of relationships, including that with God, which is the one I'll be talking about its guilt.
You noticed I mentioned the word relationship and God in the same sentence, and I'll explain this.
I can't really remember the day I realized that there could actually be such a thing as a "relationship" with God. Or the day I actually started feeling such a thing forming.
I don't remember when I started seeing that it's not just about sins and good deeds.
There was a feeling that started forming. A feeling of.. I know Him, I think I love Him. He has done so much good to me, He takes so much care of me, and He's so generous, and never closes His doors, even in the faces of the most sinful people on earth.
And maybe just just maybe, I think He loves me, too.
There was this higher sense of emotion that no one taught us about. All they did was scare us from Hell and teach us that Jannah is the goal.
I don't know about you but that is such a dry way to live life, without love, I think. Too dry.
With this higher sense, I felt a relationship starting to develop. And that's where the gratitude and guilt I'm talking about started to take place.
"Why can't I just be an angel ? Why did I have to be human?"
"I'm awful, why should He ever love me.."
"I'm too embarrassed, I promised I'd never do it again."
"I'm such a hypocrite, I do good deeds and feel like I could stand a chance when in fact I'm so horrible."
"Wouldn't it be easier and less aching to be flawless and sinless?"
I used to get these thoughts a LOT. And they were drilling through my brain and my heart, and they were painful. Because it feels like letting Him down. Letting someone you feel immensely grateful for, down.
I hated myself for being human.
But, then I remind myself that,
(إن الله يحب التوابين)
و ما نقدر نكون توابين لو ما كنا خطائين.
On day 12 of the online writing course, they asked
How do you deal with the negative darker aspects of you?
And here's what I had to say on the matter,
The aspect of darkness has very much changed in my perspective ever since I started viewing my relationship with God differently.
And the relationship between myself and I also radically changed.
And the relationship between myself and the world didn't stay the same, either.
I remember the itchiness I used to feel, the darkness, the bitterness, the hopelessness, the fear and the guilt.
I recall the feeling of being stuck within my darkest corners, not being able to crawl out.
I remember feeling like I'm never gonna be worthy of His love.
I remember feeling helpless.
Stuck.
Afraid.
I remember.
What I want to describe to you, is the change I mentioned.
The change is that the burden of having two sides in you, trying to conquer each other, that burden is gone.
You see, it's not the good side of me trying to take over the bad side anymore. It's not as despairing and gloomy and doomed as that anymore. Because, really. Who has that much will, and who isn't terrified by their darker sides?
Instead, there started to be a higher, much more powerful governing command, a loving command, a merciful, patient command.
There started to be more transparency.
You're exposed, really. There's nothing you can hide. And yet, that gives you the salvation that your heart dreams of.
No longer human against human. Or rather, there is that...but the good in you has allies now, as you can say.
He is your ally.
If you admit to Him, and ask for His higher power, if you give Him your true honest promise, that you truly want to change, and put your trust and belief in Him; your whole heart's trust (not a suspecting, trial kind of trust), He, the Trusee, has promised to be by your side in every second of it.
I stopped feeling so secretive and ashamed of my chamber of secrets, the dark side of me doesn't scare me or appall me anymore, and I no longer feel stuck and hopeless in my shadows. I'm not afraid of you knowing of my sins, because I'm exposed to Him, and it's Him I fear, not you. (Not that I do want people to know, though. الستر محمود برضو)
He has shown and taught that there WILL be darkness within us, and that there WILL be darkness in the world around us, too.
So it doesn't feel personal anymore, it feels more natural and shared. Because it's not just within me, it's within everyone else, and it's part of God's creation, the Most Wise, the Most Merciful.
So this helps accept the darkness in other people, too, never judge them by it, because the darkness is there and present in all of us, just in different forms. And people can change, and what you judge people with, can someday be within you, too.
This does not mean that we accept it as it is and give up on ourselves, no.
That's where Tawba comes in.
No matter what you do, no matter how many times you fail to change,
لا يمل الله حتى تملوا
He will accept you and love you once you repent and seek His forgiveness, and that's where space for self-forgiveness, self-love, and peace is found.
Hope is a powerful thing. And once you see Tawba as a source of hope, as an endlessly open door, as an unconditional source of acceptance and love and a chance to love back, life will change.
Because He can bring all your baggage, the hidden stuff that anchor your heart, to the surface. He can salvage your heart and make it light, light enough to float above all the ugliness of us and the world, light enough to breathe.
